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How to Be a Mobster

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How to Be a Mobster. Mobsters dress in expensive clothes, drive nice cars and have lots of friends, even if said friends are only around because they fear getting whacked. Really, they're people just like you; aside from the killing, beating, and stealing and, okay, the gambling, flesh trade and drugs, they tend to be deeply religious and family-oriented individuals. So why would anyone not want to be a mobster?

Choose your mobster name. Famous mobsters usually have descriptive nicknames that accompany their real names, like "Louie the Lip" or "Machine Gun Kelly." You might want to try something that's appropriate to your current profession, like "Mortgage Man Stan" or "Bytey Mary."

Learn how to make and appreciate gravy. If you don't know what gravy is, or if you think it's the stuff you make from roast drippings, keep watching Sopranos reruns because you've got a long way to go.

Stop talking. Everything with mobsters has to be very hush-hush, from who ordered so-and-so to be silenced last week to Nonna's recipe for the aforementioned gravy. In conversation, try to stick to joke telling, because you never know if anything else you say might get you into trouble.

Make other mobster friends. It's no fun being a lone mobster. After all, it is a family business. If your real family's not into it, advertise for a new one on Craigslist. Start your ad like this: "Lonely mobster seeks trustworthy accomplices for crime, sausage sandwiches and companionship..."

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